I remember the time when I lost my baby, I felt miserable when I woke up at the operating room. I saw that my doctor was doing a procedure on me called dilatation & curettage (D & C). She was cleaning my uterus from the remnants of my dead baby inside. I wanted to reach out to her asking if I could see my baby for the first time even in his remains but my arms were tied and I got an oximeter on my finger. Aside from that, because of the medicines given to me, I felt groggy and helpless.
When I woke up, I felt so sad. I felt that I was to blame for my baby’s death. It was my responsibility to take care of him but I was too foolish that I allowed him to suffer an untimely death even while he was still developing inside my womb! I cried and I cried.
When the doctor came, she told me that it was not my fault. There are some babies that develops abnormality (in my case, he didn’t had a heart beat) while inside the womb and because it couldn’t cope up, it eventually dies. She told me, only God can give me the reason why it was allowed.
After my doctor left, I tried to compose myself by convincing my brain that it was not my fault. It happened for a reason. It was just a test that I needed to undergo for me to become a strong woman. Though I was able to convince myself, I can’t still help but feel bad inside. I felt that something wonderful and special have left me and the question was…why? A question that I could never answer until to this day…
